100 IT managers were asked :
– If you were told that your team’s software was controlling the plane as you were taxiing ready for takeoff, would you get off?
99 said “Yes, I’d get off”
Only 1 IT manager said he would stay… “If it was our software that was running the plane, it would never leave the ground anyway…”
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED – We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM – We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION – We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH – It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED – We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE – The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING – We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED – The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS – It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT – Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL – Let`s spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING – We`ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn`t interfere with what we`ve already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION – I can`t wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET`S DISCUSS – Come into my office, I`m lonely.
15. ALL NEW – Code not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – It finally worked!
17. LOW MAINTENANCE – Impossible to fix if broken.
President
Mai iute ca glontul
Mai puternic ca o locomotiva
Poate sa treaca peste o cladire dintr-o singura saritura
Merge pe apa
Vorbeste cu Dumnezeu
Vicepresident
Se poate tine dupa glont
Poate împinge trenuri mici
Poate sa sara peste cladiri cu vânt favorabil
Merge pe apa daca nu sunt valuri
Vorbeste cu Dumnezeu numai daca i s-a acordat audienta
Junior Vicepresident
Poarta mereu un MAC 10
Trage trenuri cu dintii
Poate sa sara peste cladiri mai mici, cu elan
Merge pe apa in bazine acoperite
Uneori Dumnezeu îi aporba o cerere de discutie
Division Manager
Poarta o pusca cu teava retezata prin mahalale
Are propriul sau tren
Se catara pe fatada cladirilor
Concureaza la Olimpiada la stilul fluture
Îl zareste din când în când pe Dumnezeu
Product Manager
Nu este dotat cu munitie de razboi
Se teme de trenuri
Se catara pe scara de incendiu
Înoata bine
Are pe birou o icoana cu chipul lui Dumnezeu
Business Unit Manager
Poarta pistol cu capse
Are macheta unui tren în pivnita
Foloseste usile cladirilor
Poate sa înoate câineste
Poarta mereu o cruce împotriva atacurilor vampirilor
Programming Manager
Are nevoie de ajutor ca sa-si umple pistolul cu apa
Fuge dupa trenuri (si masini)
Se întepeneste în usile rotitoare
Poarta vesta de salvare în apropierea apei
Îsi spune rugaciunea înainte de culcare
Programmer
Prinde gloante în dinti
Arunca trenurile de pe sine
Ridica cladirile si trece pe sub ele
Muta albia râurilor din calea sa
EL ESTE Dumnezeu.
Intr-o benzinarie, un programator se uita derutat la pompe si murmura:
– 95? … 98? … 95! … 98! … Vazandu-l pierdut, un angajat al benzinariei se apropie si il intreaba:
– Cu ce va pot ajuta? Cu o raza de fericire in privire, raspunde:
– Benzina XP sau Vista aveti?
2 programatori isi cumparau tigari.
– Ba, ia uite ce zice aici, pe pachet, cica “Avertisment: Fumatul poate cauza cancer pulmonar! ”
– Lasa, ba, warningurile, zi numai erorile.