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97 Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say

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1. Uh-oh…..
2. Shit!!
3. What the hell!?
4. Go get your backup tape. (You do have a backup tape?)
5. That’s SOOOOO bizarre.
6. Wow!! Look at this…..
7. Hey!! The suns don’t do this.
8. Terminated??!
9. What software license?
10. Well, it’s doing something…..
11. Wow….that seemed fast…..
12. I got a better job at Lockheed…
13. Management says…
14. Sorry, the new equipment didn’t get budgetted.
15. What do you mean that wasn’t a copy?
16. It didn’t do that a minute ago…
17. Where’s the GUI on this thing?
18. Damn, and I just bought that pop…
19. Where’s the DIR command?
20. The drive ate the tape but that’s OK, I brought my screwdriver.
21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there’s lots of free space.
22. What’s this “any” key I’m supposed to press?
23. Do you smell something?
24. What’s that grinding sound?
25. I have never seen it do *that* before…
26. I think it should not be doing that…
27. I remember the last time I saw it do that…
28. You might as well all go home early today …
29. My leave starts tomorrow.
30. Ooops.
31. Hmm, maybe if I do this…
32. “Why is my “rm *.o” taking so long?”
33. Hmmm, curious…
34. Well, my files were backed up.
35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
38. Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your work when it comes up tonight.
39. I didn’t think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
40. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
41. We’re standardizing on AIX.
42. Wonder what this command does?
43. What did you say your (l)user name was…? ;-)
44. You did what to the floppy???
45. Sorry, we deleted that package last week…
46. NO! Not that button!
47. Uh huh……”nu -k $USER”.. no problem….sure thing…
48. Sorry, we deleted that package last week…
49. [looks at workstation] “Say, what version of DOS is this running?”
50. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
51. YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
52. What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
53. What’s this switch for anyways…?
54. Tell me again what that ‘-r’ option to rm does
55. Say, What does “Superblock Error” mean, anyhow?
56. If I knew it wasn’t going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
57. Was that your directory?
58. System coming down in 0 min….
59. The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
60. Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
61. OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
62. The sprinkler system isn’t supposed to leak is it?
63. It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours. (This is said on a monday afternoon.)
64. I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip with out triping the breaker.
65. What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
66. I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.
67. Ummm… Didn’t you say you turned it off?
68. The network’s down, but we’re working on it. Come back after diner. (Usually said at 22:00 the night before thesis deadline…)
69. Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
70. Boy, it’s a lot easier when you know what you’re doing.
71. I hate it when that happens.
72. And what does it mean ‘rm: .o: No such file or directory’?
73. Why did it say ‘/bin/rm: not found’?
74. Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
75. You can do this patch with the system up…
76. What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
77. The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk???
78. Well, I’ve got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk….
79. What do mean by “fired”?
80. hey, what does mkfs do?
81. where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
82. …and if we just swap these two disc controllers like this…
83. don’t do that, it’ll crash the sys…….. SHIT
84. what’s this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
85. dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
86. find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {};
87. now it’s funny you should ask that, because I don’t know either
88. Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
89. Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
90. SMIT makes it all so much easier……
91. Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
92. I don’t care what he says, I’m not having it on my network
93. We don’t support that. We won’t support that.
94. …and after I patched the microcode…
95. You’ve got TECO. What more do you want?
96. We prefer not to change the root password, it’s an nice easy one
97. Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory…

Choose to sysadmin

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choose no life.
choose no career.
choose no family.
choose a fucking big computer,
choose disk arrays the size of washing machines, modem racks, cd-rom writers, and electrical coffee makers.
choose no sleep, high caffeine and mental insurance.
choose no friends.
choose black jeans and matching combat boots.
choose chaire for your office in a range of fucking fabrics.
choose smtp and wondering why the fuck you are logged on on sunday morning.
choose sitting in that swivel chair looking at mind-numbing, spirit-crushing web sites, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth.
choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in some miserable newsgroup, nothing more than an embarrasment to the selfish, fucked up lusers gates spawned to replace the computer-literate.

choose your future. choose to sysadmin.

Defining computer terms from a “Marketing” point of view

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ALL NEW – The software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN – Upper management doesn’t understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH – It nearly booted on the first try.
NEW – It comes in different colors from the previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY – It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
EXCLUSIVE – We’re the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED – Manufacturing doesn’t have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION – All parameters are hard coded.
FUTURISTIC – It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY – All the directories compare.
IT’S HERE AT LAST – We’ve released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE – It’s impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS – It compiles without errors.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN – It works through beta test.
REVOLUTIONARY – The disk drives go round and round.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED – We’ll send you another copy if it fails.
STOCK ITEM – We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
UNMATCHED – It’s almost as good as the competition.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE – Nothing ever ran this slow before.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.

Invented by the Linux folks

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Son of Bill Gates asks his father:
– Dad, I’d like to try to have sex, what should I do?
– That’s simple, sonny. Just take the biggest car from my garage, dress the best suit you have and take the girl into the most deluxe restaurant in the town. Rent a horse chariot in the evening and take her for a trip around the lake. Buy her the biggest bunch of flowers you can buy. Finally rent a president suite and she’ll be yours. And that’s all.
– But Dad! Where are the romantic walks, grazes, reading of poetry in the moonlight, flirting …
– My boy… all this was invented by the Linux folks so that they can have sex for free.

The Unix Hierarchy

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Beginner

* insecure with the concept of a terminal
* has yet to learn the basics of vi
* has not figured out how to get a directory
* still has trouble with typing after each line of input

Novice

* knows that `ls’ will produce a directory
* uses the editor, but calls it `vye’
* has heard of `C’ but never used it
* has had his first bad experience with rm
* is wondering how to read his mail
* is wondering why the person next to him seems to like Unix so very much.

User

* uses vi and nroff, but inexpertly
* has heard of regular-expr.s but never seen one.
* has figured out that `-‘ precedes options
* has attempted to write a C program and has decided to stick with pascal
* is wondering how to move a directory
* thinks that dbx is a brand of stereo component
* knows how to read his mail and is wondering how to read the news

Knowledgable user

* uses nroff with no trouble, and is beginning to learn tbl and eqn
* uses grep to search for fixed strings
* has figured out that mv(1) will move directories
* has learned that “learn” doesn’t help
* somebody has shown him how to write C programs
* once used sed to do some text substitution
* has seen dbx used but does not use it himself
* thinks that make is a only for wimps

Expert

* uses sed when necessary
* uses macro’s in vi, uses ex when neccesary
* posts news at every possible opportunity
* write csh scripts occasionally
* write C programs using vi and compiles with cc
* has figured out what `&&’ and ‘||’ are for
* thinks that human history started with ‘!h’

Hacker

* uses sed and awk with comfort
* uses undocumented features of vi
* write C code with `cat >’ and compiles with ‘!cc’
* uses adb because he doesn’t trust source debuggers
* can answer questions about the user environment
* writes his own nroff macros to supplement std. ones
* write scripts for Bourne shell (/bin/sh)
* knows how to install bug fixes

Guru

* uses m4 and lex with comfort
* writes assembly code with `cat >’
* uses adb on the kernel while system is loaded
* customizes utilities by patching the source
* reads device driver source with his breakfast
* can answer any unix question after a little thought
* uses make for anything that requires two or more distinct commands to achieve
* has learned how to breach security but no longer needs to try

Wizard

* writes device drivers with `cat >’
* fixes bugs by patching the binaries
* can answer any question before you ask
* writes his own troff macro packages
* is on first-name basis with Dennis, Bill, and Ken